Ambitions

*** I debated on whether to post this blog because it makes me sound sad and depressed. When in reality, I’m sad and depressed, but I’m writing to try to think things through. It’s 10% rant,76% pity party, and 28% self discovery. So if you’re not in the mood for a depressing post I urge you to move on to read about your passions.

Ambition and passion change over the years. The things I like now are not necessarily the things I liked back in high school. When I was in high school I thought I was going to be a great artist. Despite still loving art, finding the motivation to create a piece generally eludes me.

My mom talked me into perusing architecture because architects, “make a lot of money.” I was never passionate about building buildings and the business aspect of the craft was put offish to me.

Then, I thought I was (I accidently typed ’twas;’ I twas goingth to beith a…) going to be a scenic designer for the theatre. My impediment with theatre was the lack of theatre in my hometown. I would’ve had to traveled to faraway places, away from my family. I couldn’t do that to my grandpa.

My latest passion is teaching. I love to teach, but my passion I believe is misplaced. I love to show what I know to wow my audience. And to be frankly honest, I get anxiety attacks that are damn near debilitating, that I have to power through to keep standing, while standing in front of a classroom. I was under the conception that if I could just get in a classroom I would get “used” to standing in front of a class and the jitters would eventually wear off.  You know, like when therapists make people who are deathly afraid of spiders hold a giant spider, usually a tarantula on TV or in the movies.

So right now with my passions staunched, I am left feeling empty, pointless, and useless. I’m in between passions. I feel like my chance at doing something beneficial to the world is slipping through my fingers and find myself wondering about all the billions of people who manage to live everyday knowing that they are living to die. Do I live for happiness? And how do I obtain happiness if I have to work at a job I won’t like just to survive?

I will hear back from my latest teacher interview approximately Weds. where they will most likely say something to the effect, “Thank you Mrs. B, but we have decided to go with someone who doesn’t stutter, who has more confidence in his or her abilities, and has more/any experience in a classroom.” Okay, maybe that’s not exactly how they will turn me down, but I can read between the lines. There is a small glitter sized grain of hope that they will accept me, but then I wonder can if I really handle it considering I lost 25 lbs. during my 60 day long term subbing stint in another school. Then I turned around and gained it all back about three months later.

I think as soon as I get my next rejection, I will try to take on a different type of job. Something to cleanse the palate.

 

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2 thoughts on “Ambitions

  1. If it makes you feel any better, many people are not doing what they deem to be their passion. Many of us are just doing something that pays the bills until we can figure out what that special something will eventually be. I feel lucky that I found teaching, but I was not comfortable in front of the class for a few years! If you really love teaching, you will eventually get more comfortable in that role. Please don’t give up on it! We need good people, like you, to teach!

    Liked by 1 person

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